As I have previously mentioned, 1999 was the low point in my life. I was 22-23 and after finishing my M.Sc was without a decent job for almost a year (and yes, I started my M.Sc when I was 20).That is when I met N. She was 20, and worked at a place I frequented. She started flirting with me and we hit it off and things happened. We had a on-again off-again thing for about a year and a half, and yes.. I cheated on her many times (mostly ‘paid’ sex).
N was a ’5′, as tall as me, brunette, new-age, SWPL type gal. She was not kinky, nor a girly girl. But she was one thing no other girl I had ever been with till then was:
A decent human being who cared about me, even though I was essentially broke when we started going out..
However circumstances beyond my control and my previous experiences with women made me sabotage this relationship. I have no regrets about most of the things I have done in my life, but there a few things I am ashamed of- including how I treated her.
If I had could rewind my life, I would have treated her much better. Heck, if she was a 6-7, a bit more kinky and not so left leaning.. I would have probably ended up with her and we would have made a couple of babies.
I know this sounds weird coming from a guy who did more than one escort per week for 3 years (2002, 2003 and 2009) + an average of 30 yr/ in other years + more than a few ‘arrangements’, one night stands and flings. But here is a confession
If Natasha was a bit hotter, bit more kinkier and my previous experiences with women were more nicer- I would have given up all of my whore mongering just to be with her and have kids.
The society we live in discourages men and women in their early 20s from committing to each other. Unfortunately, only men and women in their early 20s can still fall deeply in love and bond. I realized that after the fact.
At that time I was very bitter and angry at the world, and she was the undeserving recipient of my contempt. It is sad when I look back at it, because she was the only one who cared about me. I was just too blinded by anger and contempt to see that then..
“Fear (of being mistreated) is the path to the dark side. Fear (of being mistreated) leads to anger (at potential mistreaters). Anger (at potential mistreaters) leads to hate (of potential mistreaters). Hate (of potential mistreaters) leads to suffering (loneliness).”- Yoda (modified by me)
I often reminisce about the fun times we had eating ice-cream naked after having sex… and watching Saturday/ Sunday morning cartoons. I have many other good memories about my time with her. However at that time,I felt that I deserved better.
I never realized that those simple memories would mean so much to me now.
She lives in the same city I do and she knows that, but we have never talked after I moved out for a job (and then came back after three years). I don’t think we can recapture what we had.
My defense is that I am only human. It is often hard to admit that you were wrong in that ‘one’ instance.
Once again- The biggest self inflicted social problem of our time is that we encourage people in their early 20s to not settle with those they love. You just cannot recapture that period in your life ever gain.
I have only fallen for 4-5 women in my life, all of them in my late teens to early 20s. Natasha was the last that I fell for, but I screwed it up.